No One Said it Would be Easy

         

          …but no one said it would be so hard either.  I am talking about parenting.  I've written before of my attempts to find magic answers in books but the written word and the living, breathing – or should I say whining and crying – child that stands before you can be night and day.

          I've been an elementary teacher for fifteen years.  Surely, that experience should account for something?  Right?!  Unfortunately, my preschool stint was a mere six months and once I’ve never “taught” any younger ages.  I should be all set when the boys hit eight, though!  J

          Many times I have said to Jim, “What little chip in their brain tells them to say _____  or act _____?  It’s not like they see us do it.”  Sure, I could blame it on the kids at daycare but they have been together for three years and are a really nice bunch. 

          The biggest issue in our house is control.  Who wants it and who gets it.  Mix this with a couple quick tempers and easily frustrated individuals, and it makes for some major meltdowns. 

          Andrew doesn't understand why things can’t be his way.  I vacillate between reasoning with him and telling him, “Because I gave you a direction.”   (I thought I was so clever with this twist on ‘because I said so.’)  Yeah, right.  He’s in the midst of a bossy stage; that I really hope is a stage.  He’s like a miniature Archie Bunker.  I would like to know who passed him the memo declaring him the boss!

          Alex thinks he’s three and a half and is on a mission to mimic everything his bog brother does.  Unfortunately, that doesn't always work out so well for him and he reacts with throwing, hitting, screaming and head banging.  Good times!  He laughs when you put him in time out.  So we are trying to give him the words to express his frustration.  For example, “I know you are made the train came off the track, but we don’t throw the train when we are mad.”  Sounds very academic, doesn’t it.  I’ll let you know how it goes.

          I have become a broken record of parenting mantras:  It’s just a phase…This, too shall pass…Things will get better…Enjoy this while it lasts, because they grow up so fast.  Some days it helps, some days it seems just ridiculous.  But, this is the life I have chosen and I wouldn’t trade it for the world, really.  And, when I stop and think about it, over the course of a day, 90% is really fantastic.  Manners are flowing, brotherly love is in the air, and  smiles are on all our faces.  But, when we are in the middle of that 10%, it can feel completely overwhelming and you watch all your parenting skills fly out the window. 

          But, we persevere!  I bought a new book:  Smart Parenting, Smarter Kids by Dr. David Walsh.  I’m always open to new ideas and methods.  I think any wise parent would be.  Parenting is an adventure!  Our days would be so dull and boring without Andrew and Alex.

Little White Lies

          We've all been there.  We find our self in a particular situation:  a few minutes late to an appointment; an invite from friends when you’d rather stay home in your jammies; or that little person tugging on our pant leg for a treat.  And before we know, it just slips out – a white lie.  Everyone does it, so there can’t really be any harm to it, right?

          I’ve compiled a small list of white lies I have used and (believe) have been used on me.  Any sound familiar?

          Lies We Tell Others:

·         I just got your message/text.

·         My e-mail has been down for a day (or few days).

·         My alarm didn’t go off.

·         I can’t get a sitter.

·         I was just about to call/text/e-mail you.

·         I was stuck in traffic.

Lies We Tell Our Self

·         I’m not too young to wear that.

·         There’s nothing wrong with my driving.

·         I can get that done in ten minutes.

·         I’m fine.

·         I don’t need help.

        Lies We Tell Our Children

(Note – these work best with small children J)

·         We’re out of ice cream/popsicles/chocolate.

·         The (insert store) is closed.

·         Mommy didn’t bring enough money.

·         It’s past your bedtime.

·         If you eat ______  it will make you bigger/stronger. 

           

                    Now, this list certainly isn’t complete, and you could add a few of your own.  I’m sure you (and I) could easily justify using these in any given situation.  Unfortunately, because white lies are so common and viewed as benign, many of us don’t think twice before they do it.

          It’s also easier to lie when you don’t have an audience.  Andrew now knows what traffic is.  Dare I use that lie in his presence and he calls me out on it?  That would be a bit embarrassing, don’t you think?

          But lies have consequences too.  We have to decide how it will affect our image.  (And, if we really care.)  I am always 10 minutes late to social events.  (Even before I had children to blame!)  So, what’s better?   I claim there was traffic, or just admit to my friends, “I’ll be ten minutes late.”  Honesty is the best policy, right?  

Pet Peeves

          

          I’ve been finding myself a bit short on patience lately and getting (even more) easily annoyed.  I’ve noticed my peeves keep cropping up as well, as if to tempt me during my time of stress.  This got me wondering about the origin of pet peeves.  Who was peeve and why didn’t people like his pets?  So I consulted Wikipedia, my go-to resource for the people by the people.  Here’s what I found…

          The phrase was first used around 1919.   “The term is a back-formation from the 14th-century word peevish, meaning "ornery or ill-tempered.  Pet peeves often involve specific behaviors of someone close, such as a spouse or significant other.  These behaviors may involve disrespect, manners, personal hygiene, relationships, and family issues.”  

          Hehe – the personal hygiene got me.  Most of my pet peeves happen to involve complete strangers.  Perhaps I feel more secure firing frustrating glances at people I don’t know.  Perhaps my husband is just extra clean ;).  Here are the top five.  Enjoy!

1.    Blinkers – use them when you are turning, turn them off when you are not.

2.   Speed limit – feel free to use this as a suggested minimum – not a mere suggestion.

3.   Early people – I am never one of you – no need to remind me.

4.   Whiny adults – Stop it!  Do what you’re supposed to do.

5.   Toilet paper – No, that last square and the shreds attached to the roll are not enough!

        <Sigh>  That was cathartic.  I can now go about the rest of my day!

Focus

         

         My blog went on vacation so the teacher in me could focus on getting back to work.  The week before school begins has always been a bit whacky for me.  I try to make a plan and stay the course so I can get as much done in as little time as possible, so I can also squeeze the last bit of summer out for myself.  The addition of children has added another layer to this oh-so-exciting week.  Here's what happened this year...

          The nanny started Monday plus they were going to daycare Tuesday.  I had planned three days at school, one day for me…perfect…until Andrew got sick.  Focus shift.

          Monday was still alright.  I went to school with a plan.  Unpack supplies and organize the room.  I know how easily distracted I can get in my classroom, so a plan seemed reasonable – as long as I stuck to it.  A handful of other teachers were also there so we chatted about our summers.  Not exactly a focus shift, but a nice social distraction from the real task at hand.  I didn’t do everything I had planned, but it was OK, I had all day Tuesday.

          Andrew was still sick.  But I could take Alex and hopefully Andrew would last two hours in my classroom.  Armed with snacks, trains and DVDs we headed in.  I was really going to need to stick to my plan today because I had a constant distraction accompanying me.  Andrew can focus on a task for about fifteen minutes which gave me a few decent chunks of time to make headway on my plan.  All the while I was juggling my focus.  Doing my thing while entertaining questions, fetching art supplies and two trips to the bathroom.  I probably got an hour’s worth of work in the two hours we were there, but I still had Wednesday & Friday.

          I had an appointment at 8:30 which I expected would last 30 minutes, then I was going to stop at WalMart to get plastic bins, then arrive to school at 9:30.  That was my plan.  I was still in the waiting room at 9:00.  I know, how often do doctor’s run on time?  But the office opened at 8:30, I thought I was golden!  No worries, I’ll just run in and out of WalMart.  Have I written about being alone, in a store, with no time constraints, yet?  Moms, you know what I’m talking about right? 

          I got to school at 10:30.  I had three hours before I had to leave for another appointment.  I still had Friday.  My “me day” would have to be postponed until Monday.  I was trying to stay focused, really I was.

          By Thursday, I was worried Andrew still hadn’t gotten any better.  The poor kid was living on every possible bread product, bananas and watered down Gatorade.  His year-round olive face was gray.  The Mom in me said I should take him to the doctor. 

          I went to school Friday morning.  Sometimes worry won’t let you focus.  I got a few things done.  I sped off to Andrew’s appointment where I received my favorite “it’s just a virus” diagnosis.  (He did at least give me a lab slip if he didn’t get better in another day or two.)  After lunch at home I went back to school.  We had planned on going to Vermont but, again, the Mom in me said, “No.”  Gotta focus on getting Andrew better.

          So, what’s the point of this blog?  (Other than to hear about a crazy Jess week!)  When I sat down I was first thinking about the word “focus” and how it can be the easiest and hardest thing to do at the same time.  Being a Mom, I alternate between short-term focus, focus shifting and focus juggling.  These three also happen when I am being a teacher.  Things get a bit trickier when I am doing them at the same time.

          The lesson I learned by the end of last week was this.  It is definitely helpful to have a plan.  But you have to allow for some flexibility.  You don’t want to feel overwhelmed and disappointed.  Being focused is important too, but so is focus flexibility.

why? Why? WHY??!!

         “Why do I see rain clouds but it’s not raining?”  Andrew asks.  “Why?”  Who would ever have thought that three little letters could become a painful ringing in my ear?  Wait, that may be too harsh.  I could liken them to nails on a chalkboard, but that never bothered me and we have whiteboards now.  Honestly, it’s the anticipation of that third of fourth “Why?” (after I feel I have done a really good job of explaining), that quickens my heartbeat.  This is when I resort to silence and the occasional topic change or a (slightly) exasperated, “I don’t know.” 

          Two of my favorite go to answers were “Because it was born that way” and “Because it was made that way.” Those worked for quite a long time.  He had no comeback.  Well, he now asks, “Why were the born/made that way?”  I do have to admit, though, he was some very interesting questions.  Most recently he has been focused on the size of animals.  “Why are crocodiles so big?  Why are ducks bigger than chickens?”   

          Then of course, there are the whys that come after a direction has been given.  I tried for a very long to avoid the “because I sad so” response.  I thought I was so savvy with the “because I gave you a direction” response.  It was direct, didn’t sound too rude, or authoritative.  Well, it has now begun to squeak out.  If you’ve been there, you know. 

          During the course of questioning, I put on my patience hat.  This is obviously a sign of his intelligence.  I am so lucky to have an inquisitive child who wants to learn more about the world around him.  This track is on auto rewind in my head. 

          Ask yourself, “Where would we be without the word why?”  What if Sir Isaac Newton had never asked, ‘Why did that apple fall from the tree?’  Or Elizabeth Cady Stanton hadn’t ever asked, ‘Why can’t women vote?’  Or if Steve Jobs had not asked, ‘Why do I need a separate cell phone, video camera, music player and computer?’

          Whys, what ifs, and how comes have shaped our history.  I’m sure not a day goes by without you asking yourself “why” at least once.  It can’t be helped.  It’s part of us.  So, I will continue my duties of expert question-answerer and when all else fails, I think I’m going to add a new response…”Go ask your father!”

Ah...August

        

       August.  I did a little research to find some interesting tidbits.  Here’s what I found:

* It is the seasonal equivalent of February in the Southern Hemisphere

* In a leap year, August ends on the same day of the week as November

* It was originally named Sextilis (Latin) because it was the sixth month under the original Roman 10 month calendar

* In 8 BC it was renamed in honor of Augustus, founder and first Emperor of the Roman Empire

* It is one of the seven months with 31 days

* It’s the start of the school year

        It’s these last two facts that bring me to the computer today. 

        The month of August has taken on three distinct roles as I moved from childhood to adulthood to motherhood.  When I was a child, school began after Labor Day.  August was like the last ripe berries on the bush.  You didn’t want to rush eating them.  You wanted to wait as long as possible because you knew they’d be super sweet in the end.  As the hot and hazy days of August rolled along, we didn’t want them to rush by either.  Gone would be our neighborhood games of hide and seek, group bike rides to the pool and visits from the ice cream truck.  Those moments would be replaced by hours inside a classroom, with structure and without socializing.  No, we didn’t want August to end.

        When I became a teacher, I found my feelings about August conflicted.  My first few summers I worked summer school and took Master’s classes, so August became my only month “off.”  I’d hit the beach, stay up late watching bad TV and spend time with my friends.  However, I did not get to enjoy all 31 days because by the middle of August, I began to prepare for the upcoming year.  I did (and still do) this with great excitement and anticipation.  I love being a teacher.  The trepidation I feel right before the beginning of each school year is awesome.  Teaching is a job where no two days are exactly the same.  Also, I can have the best lessons and activities planned only to encounter one tiny hiccup in the day that requires me to stop and switch gears.  It is not a profession for the inflexible!

        When conversing with parents about upcoming vacations, some would lament about what to do with all that extra time with their children.  Inside, I would be absolutely giddy about my upcoming break from their cherubs! But, I had to suppress these feelings as I saw looks of panic flash across their faces!

        A few years ago, I entered their world.  Vacations for me are breaks from teaching but not from working.  I look forward to spending extra time with the boys (and in my jammies!)  I also get anxious about how we will adjust to our new schedule.  Summer vacation allows us more time to adjust.  Then August comes, and again, I am conflicted.  The teacher in me is calling.  “You have to get into your classroom and see what supplies have been delivered.  It’s time to do some research for new lessons.”  The mother in me gives her a gigantic “SHHHH!”  She says, “These are the last weeks with your boys.  Make play dates.  Have fun!”   Out loud I say, “UGH!  How can I do both?”

        Ah, August.  I will take you one day at a time.  Hope for more sunny days than rain.  And wish you were just a few days longer. J

You Are What You Write

  

                So you want to write, but what should you write about?  According to Harold Underdown’s book, Publishing Children’s Books, (http://www.underdown.org/ ) he suggests exploring what genres you like to read.  “Rule one is to write what you want to write, not what you think you should write,” he says.  This is pretty good advice.  But what if you have very eclectic reading tastes?  You’d just as easily read a murder mystery as a whimsical rhyming picture book?  How do you focus your writing energy?

            You could read Regina Brooks guide entitled Writing Great Books for Young Adults (http://www.serendipitylit.com/ ) .  She believes the universe gives us stories, and it is our job as writers to accept these gifts to create our own masterpiece.  “Once your ear is attuned, and if you keep an open mind, story ideas will rush to you.”  Doesn’t this sound too good to be true?  However, I have been in group conversations, listening to stories and thinking, ‘that would make a great character’ or ‘what an interesting plot line that could be.’  She also has several lovely writing exercises to keep you writing, (but I didn’t find them useful.)

            I like to revert to the lyrics of a Beck song and, what I think, is the single most important piece of advice I have been giving students for 15 years:  “You can’t write if you can’t relate.”  Bottom line, if it doesn’t mean anything to you, you will have a heck of a time trying to force it into a story or poem or article.  It just doesn’t work.

            So you want to write?  Then do it.  Make a list of things of interest, people of importance to you, places you want to (or have) visited and/or problems you want solved.  You have the ability to write about anything at all as long as it matters to you.  This writing from the heart - this is true writing.